How your human rights were ‘violated’ on a film set

film-human-rights

‘The Dictator’ – Paramount Studios


Are you getting aches and pains from your film set work? Did that stuntman punch you in the face too hard and then not apologize? Can this truly be the pain we’ve all felt yet there’s nothing we can do in the name of ‘art’?

Here are some of things film crews and actors went through to bring their creativity to the big screen. Their collective sacrifice will always be remembered:

Standing for 14 hours

Somehow film producers are allergic to seating. The film industry decided to invent the ‘long stand’ and we must salute it. Film crews in the front line have to make sure that they are standing at all times with camera equipment, slates, booms, lights, props and even furniture. At no point can a seat come into the equation for that would not do at all.

WW2 food rations

At no point will the film crew be allowed to eat a 3-course meal during production. Even a 2-course meal would go against everything we stand for. No, it must be rationed, limited, and used only as a last resort. All sandwiches must somehow be preserved without refrigeration. All stale fries must be re-heated. Nothing must go to waste, and food must be consumed efficiently, or the enemy will win. That enemy of course, being time.

Sub-zero temperatures

There shall be no heating in that church scene on New Years day. All film personnel must huddle close to each other to keep warm. We cannot spare one joule of electricity towards the heaters despite the fact 30K watts will run through our lights. No! There is no heat. Only when the cameras are rolling can we pretend that we feel it.

Melting light gels

That uplifting plastique smell gives us strength. It defines who we are. At no point will there be any discussion about airing the room. We must keep the air pure, inside. It is that plastic that keeps us awake.

Waterboarding and the 57 takes

“That torture scene looks really good on camera,” says the film director, but more takes are needed. In fact, the torture is really important to the story so having a hose on the set could be really helpful to give the actor more ‘motivation’.

Generator fumes

The purity of generator diesel fills our lungs with hope and aspiration. Of course film crews must stand around it, in case someone from the general public would somehow disconnect it, tow it, and sell it on ebay. There must always be a guard looking at it, making sure the crows don’t take it from us.

Actors in solitary confinement

It’s important to divide the actors from the crew. They cannot mix with the important conversation the technical team are having. No, they must sit in another room, somewhere far away, in a basement. And for the main actors, they must be quarantined, in separate holding cells or quarters, so that they can be punished for the ‘crimes’ they have committed.

Psychological conditioning

Under intense pressure, actors must be able to perform the same scenes many times. Film directors have full reign over their emotions. They own them, and they can destroy them.

This is the last stand, the final frontier in surviving the film set. If they can do this, then they will have proven themselves. If not, then the result will be this:

(Warning, videos contain offensive language)

Christian Bale flip-out

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrvMTv_r8sA

And this remix:

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